Long lines, uncomfortable lounge seats, and unexplained delays … air travel can be fraught with pitfalls and it’s relatively easy to become the kind of air traveller that other people secretly hate and curse… If you want to have a terrible air travel experience, don’t pay attention to the numerous frequent flyer tips offered online or by other travellers; instead, you should…
AVOID PLANNING
Don’t find out what time you need to be at the airport, don’t pre-book your tickets, and don’t keep your documents close at hand… Instead, if you do manage to check in on time, wander aimlessly around the airport, and delay the flight by being the last on board after three announcements calling your name!
PACK HEAVY
Just throw all of your clothing into one large bag and all your cosmetics into a cloth toiletry bag and hope for the best… Even though having overweight luggage could mean a fine and getting in people’s way while unpacking your suitcase on the floor of the airport, the other passengers are bound to be enthusiastic observers!
IGNORE NUTRITIONAL NEEDS
Don’t eat, carry small snacks, or organise any water. Travel may be exhausting and you might get dehydrated, but you can probably bank on a choice of delicious fresh food on the plane and air hostesses that are more than happy to run up and down the aisle with those miniature paper cups of water… So, plan for that rather than filling up a portable water bottle before boarding!
TRAVEL WITH PETS
No need to worry about other people’s phobias or allergies, the logistics of carrier kennels, or ‘loading’ zones, or even the stress to your pet… Most people, airport staff included, are more relaxed than you think and pets really do travel well, despite what you’ve heard!
DON’T LABEL LUGGAGE
Have a suitcase like everyone else. There’s no need to clearly label your suitcase, inside and out, or include any identifying markings… You’ll probably have plenty of time to stand at the carousel after your flight and wait until everyone else has collected their luggage! And, if your luggage gets lost, you can just replace everything, right?
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME
Treat the aisle you’re sitting in like you would your lounge. Planes are small and cramped but please, make yourself at home. Ensure your luggage takes up as much space as possible in the overhead bins, play your headphone music really loudly, read over the shoulders of your fellow passengers, put your seat as far back as possible, and spread your bag and books around. Surely your fellow passengers won’t mind it if you invade their personal space?
HOVER AKWARDLY
When you board the plane and when you’re waiting to disembark, it’s a great idea to stand in the centre aisle as you fetch your bag, while other passengers wait for you, and jump up as soon as the plane is on the ground again. There’s nothing other passengers enjoy more than having a perfect stranger hover over them!
DISRESPECT AIRLINE PERSONNEL
Treat the airline staff like your personal slaves. They’re there to make your life comfortable so make sure that you pay them as little attention as possible (especially during those pesky safety demonstrations) and state your demands clearly and loudly. No need for manners…
Air travel can be incredibly frustrating, but it’s also one of the fastest and most convenient ways of travelling. And, best of all, you can choose what kind of experience you have on the way to your destination. If you refuse to observe airline guidelines for pleasant travel, then prepare for the glares and what will probably be a series of unfortunate events … karma is a very mean lady after all!
Still need some holiday travel tips? Read the full list here.